the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
