omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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