I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
