Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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