I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
