Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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