I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
