Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
