just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
