but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
