Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
