so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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