Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
