he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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