I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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