Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
