Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
