just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
