i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
