I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
