It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize