If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
