im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
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It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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