You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
