did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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