pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
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soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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