I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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