I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i've created a new STD.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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