She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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