I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
