three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
