And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low