woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
