she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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