someone get that fucking seahorse.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
