that's an acceptable place to lick
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
