did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
