Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
