No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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