I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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