i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
