i wish my penis had a tongue
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
