mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
