So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
