You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
