12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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