Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
