I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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