I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
