I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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