Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
