i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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