thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
