he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
