Im at strip club and am horny
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
