One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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