I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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