Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
