I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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